I often feel like I am struggling, treading water just below the surface instead of staying on top. It’s not depression–though I have a touch of that too at times–it’s more a feeling of being overwhelmed by everything I have to get done. I get it done, mostly, and I’m even reasonably competent, but I never feel like I am getting ahead (or, to keep the really stupid metaphor, getting any closer to shore). I have goals, but they’re kind of abstract and I feel that instead of working toward them, I am merely doing things that are vaguely related to them.
In all of the things that I do–parenting, wifery, knitting design, et cetera–there are very rarely tangible results; it is very rare that I can look at something I’ve done and say unequivocally that I’ve broken even, that my output has been met in some way. I know that in most cases I am more than breaking even in intangible ways, but sometimes that is not enough to make one feel satisfied.
This week I settled an invoice for knitting pattern sales (for paper patterns at a yarn shop), and as a result broke even on one of them. Tangibly, technically, actually broke even.
It is pretty damn satisfying.