Remember the Pile Of Shame? It’s moved around a bit, and things have shifted some. Parts of the pile have been dealt with, while other parts have been added on. It’s as big as ever.
I am never going to deal with the Pile if I keep going the way I am going.
I keep a running to-do list in my head. I’ve tried writing it down, but writing it down becomes part of the mental list and I get caught up on doing that instead of accomplishing anything else. That’s a pretty common theme–getting caught up on something I need to do so that I can do something. There is always something to do first. Always.
I am at the point where my backlog is not even on my radar, except as one more thing to weigh me down and make me feel inadequate because I just. can’t. deal with it. I am barely staying afloat doing my regular, day-to-day stuff. Dinner is a panicked decision made at about 5:00 every day. Laundry is happening less and less frequently. I am having a great deal of trouble being present with my kids. I spend hours every day on Grace’s naps, and my entire evening is devoted to dinner and then the never-ending bedtime. I never do the dishes. I have almost no knitting time and spend most of it just trying to finish swatches for various designs that I am scared to try to sell because I don’t know when I will knit the samples. Also, whenever I try to work on the actual pattern writing, my brain shuts down.
I am a mess.
This weekend I snapped a little. I just wanted to find a way to rearrange the living room so I could get the cradle back out of the bedroom. Grace has not slept in it for months and it is taking up space where her bed (currently a little pallet on the floor, soon–I hope–to be a trundle we can keep under Sam’s bed) could and should go. I couldn’t get past the cradle to the closet, so I’d given up putting away my clothes.
I just couldn’t figure out any way to arrange the living room furniture that would leave room for the cradle. It was not possible. And this after we got rid of our sofa and moved the love seat out of the living room. THERE SHOULD BE MORE SPACE. But there wasn’t. And I just broke down, so frustrated and tired of living in too small a space with too much stuff and too long a list to ever get through.
In the end we moved the comic book shelf back into the living room, which is good, and moved the cradle against the wall, which meant nowhere to put out dirty laundry. So, much to my own horror, I put the dirty laundry in the cradle.
The living room actually turned out pretty nice, with my work table over by my desk and the massage table blocking the mess under the stairs instead of blocking the bookshelf; the chairs are actually close enough for people to sit in them and have a conversation. Or that would be possible if i could get the clean laundry cleaned off the big chair.
The Pile of Shame is back on my radar. I am filled with utter dread. The part of it that is under my desk needs to be dealt with kind of immediately, because Grace keeps pulling old bits of mail and other junk out to chew on. Which is not good. Then there is a stack of I-don’t-know-what in the hallway that has to go because someone is going to knock into it on a midnight trip to the bathroom and break something. And there is the big pile, which is on top of the filing cabinet in the bedroom. I know the filing cabinet is out of date (about, I don’t know, maybe eight years out of date?), so I have to go through that before I can sort any of the other stuff effectively. It’s a lot of work, but probably surmountable.
My list of current stuff keeps growing. I have so many projects. SO MANY. I have cooking and cleaning and laundry and childcare and games. I have photographs to edit and my column to write and omg the floor needs to be vacuumed again and I don’t remember the last time anyone cleaned the bathroom. I have sewing projects to tackle and baby clothes to knit. I have a third of a cardigan knitted and it is my dream cardigan and I’d like to finish knitting it some time this year. I need to start Christmas prep. I have knitting classes to plan (well, first to propose, but there’s a good chance I will be able to work out a class schedule this fall).
I am not doing right by my family. Grace is mobile and starting to babble and grabbing everything in sight (half of which goes into her mouth). Sam just wants to play, and he craves interaction with other kids and I am failing him. Will needs a creative sounding board and he is turning to his friends and while that is perfectly okay it is not okay at all because it should be me. And my sister, I don’t even know what she needs because I am all tapped out.
I have no time to write and I have stalled on losing any of this excess weight.
Something’s got to give. I suspect many, many things have got to give. I only get things done when I abandon hope of doing anything else. I don’t think I can do that without being miserable and making everyone else miserable.
I am only one person and I need a nap.