My plan was to weigh 125 pounds when I got pregnant with baby #2. I weighed 144 pounds, though I did not know I was pregnant till later; I went down to 137 before I found out and am currently at 138. And really, that’s not accurate. My scale is at least five and probably ten pounds off. So I probably weigh closer to 150 right now. But I’m happy to call it 138.
I wanted to be at an optimal weight before becoming pregnant because I gained between 45 and 50 pounds with Sam. And while it is certainly possible that I might gain less this time, I can’t count on it. Every body gains weight differently in pregnancy, and I am just not one of those girls who gains 25 pounds and looks like I swallowed a bowling ball. With Sam I showed by 15 weeks, was huge by 30 weeks, and was pregnant all over. Sure, I plan to be extra careful about weight gain this time–but I don’t think I can change my body type.
A friend of mine asked me straight-up why I didn’t go ahead and get pregnant and just gain that much less (that much being my goal loss), and I tried to explain that it doesn’t work that way. Will thought I was being negative and fatalistic and I really don’t think I was. I just don’t think I can work miracles with my body beyond that little “creating life” thing.
The first thing I noticed after confirming that I’m pregnant (and isn’t it funny how you can BE pregnant for, oh, let’s say two weeks, with zero indications, and then suddenly you get a positive test and WHAMMO! Symptoms galore!) was that my belly, which had flattened significantly and even begun to develop some muscle tone (just from walking!) immediately became flabby. I swear, fat appeared instantly where it had not been moments earlier. I’m not saying I went from supermodel to fat lady–my empty baby house always looked like just that–but it was a marked change.
My work is, as they say, cut out for me.
Naturally I am ravenous and have zero energy, which means I am eating way too much and exercising way too little. The thrice-weekly 2.5 mile walks I was taking those first three weeks? I managed one yesterday, the first in two weeks. Pathetic. Or progress. Something with a p.
It’s hard for me to not feel like a failure. I not only failed to reach this goal, but I failed to lose the weight any time in the last, oh, three years. I did get back to my pre-pregnancy weight, but that weight was 20 pounds above my normal, healthy weight. Twenty extra pounds on my frame is a LOT. I can expect to be at about 60 (the 20 I never lost + an optimistic 40) by Christmas. Yikes.
So I am trying to feel good about my body and the job it’s doing, while also being conscious of my weight without going overboard and it’s a really hard balance.