Through The Looking Glass

So last night we watched a very bad movie. I posted comments throughout to Twitter, which are reproduced below, in order, with brief comments following each.

Sam is staying up to watch THE HOWLING 7: NEW MOON RISING with us. It is BRILLIANT.
This was at 9:12 PM. He did not fall asleep until after 10.

Dude, the special effects for the death scenes are, I am 100% certain, red gels held over the camera, which is out of focus. AWE. SOME.
Seriously.

Also, the movie is set at Pappy & Harriet’s, so we are all hungry for chili.
We totally went to Pappy & Harriet’s today. Will got chili.

Will: “I think I’m going to have to read a synopsis of this movie after we watch it, to understand what happened.”
He repeated this today when we tried to piece together the plot. Seriously, I am not even sure who was the werewolf.

WHAT.
This was in response to a gag involving zip flies being zipped and unzipped as a musical cue. I can’t possibly explain it in a way that will do justice to the UTTER HORROR.

Katherine is rating this movie on the STRAIGHT TO HELL scale. It’s losing.
Straight to Hell also made very little sense, but it had the Pogues.

Um. Fart jokes. For real.
By which I mean someone eats the chili and then farts. Repeatedly.

Sam is so tired he is laughing uncontrollably but very slowly and quietly.
Yeah.

My god, even the “romance” scene has line dancing.
I don’t think THE THING CALLED LOVE had this much line dancing. For real.

Movie: “Could you tell me if there’s been any mountain lion activity reported?” Tommy: “No, but there’s been some lesbian cougar activity.”
Hmm, are you a cougar if you’re a lesbian?

Everyone has disappeared, leaving me along watching THE WORST MOVIE OF ALL TIME.
The amazing thing is that they all came back.

The flashbacks are actual footage from the previous HOWLING sequels.
Honestly, I thought the attempt to connect all the movies was pretty clever, if poorly executed. Very poorly executed.

I am shocked to learn that Clive Turner has not written, directed, or edited a movie since this one.
Not as shocked as I was to learn that he HAS acted since.

The passage of time in this movie makes it look like it was written by a 14 year old boy.
Probably not fair to 14 year old boys.

The exposition makes it a near certainty.
This too.

Clive Turner steals ideas from teenagers!
But especially this.

This clever wrap-up/reveal should take place in the bar, Thin Man-style, with all the suspects present. HUGE missed opportunity.
Seriously, it was just two guys and didn’t end with either of them figuring out who the wolf is. What the heck?

My god! They’re going to do it after all!
But they didn’t.

Oh, maybe not.
Unfortunately.

You know, this movie is almost as good as BEAST OF YUCCA FLATS.
BEAST OF YUCCA FLATS is really awful, yet better than this movie.

Huh, the movie is still on.
We all had moments like this. At different points in the movie. Yet together we could not piece it together.

Wow, the werewolf is straight out of TEEN WOLF.
It was one of those hairy werewolf Halloween masks. And the transformation? Was entirely CG. In 1995. So that should give you an idea how great it looked.

Pappy and Harriet play themselves. They are awesome. The rest of the movie is… over.
Amen.

This entry was posted on Sunday, January 11th, 2009 at 9:33 pm and is filed under I've been hypnotised . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.