Through The Looking Glass

Remember the Pile Of Shame? It’s moved around a bit, and things have shifted some. Parts of the pile have been dealt with, while other parts have been added on. It’s as big as ever.

I am never going to deal with the Pile if I keep going the way I am going.

I keep a running to-do list in my head. I’ve tried writing it down, but writing it down becomes part of the mental list and I get caught up on doing that instead of accomplishing anything else. That’s a pretty common theme–getting caught up on something I need to do so that I can do something. There is always something to do first. Always.

I am at the point where my backlog is not even on my radar, except as one more thing to weigh me down and make me feel inadequate because I just. can’t. deal with it. I am barely staying afloat doing my regular, day-to-day stuff. Dinner is a panicked decision made at about 5:00 every day. Laundry is happening less and less frequently. I am having a great deal of trouble being present with my kids. I spend hours every day on Grace’s naps, and my entire evening is devoted to dinner and then the never-ending bedtime. I never do the dishes. I have almost no knitting time and spend most of it just trying to finish swatches for various designs that I am scared to try to sell because I don’t know when I will knit the samples. Also, whenever I try to work on the actual pattern writing, my brain shuts down.

I am a mess.

This weekend I snapped a little. I just wanted to find a way to rearrange the living room so I could get the cradle back out of the bedroom. Grace has not slept in it for months and it is taking up space where her bed (currently a little pallet on the floor, soon–I hope–to be a trundle we can keep under Sam’s bed) could and should go. I couldn’t get past the cradle to the closet, so I’d given up putting away my clothes.

I just couldn’t figure out any way to arrange the living room furniture that would leave room for the cradle. It was not possible. And this after we got rid of our sofa and moved the love seat out of the living room. THERE SHOULD BE MORE SPACE. But there wasn’t. And I just broke down, so frustrated and tired of living in too small a space with too much stuff and too long a list to ever get through.

In the end we moved the comic book shelf back into the living room, which is good, and moved the cradle against the wall, which meant nowhere to put out dirty laundry. So, much to my own horror, I put the dirty laundry in the cradle.

The living room actually turned out pretty nice, with my work table over by my desk and the massage table blocking the mess under the stairs instead of blocking the bookshelf; the chairs are actually close enough for people to sit in them and have a conversation. Or that would be possible if i could get the clean laundry cleaned off the big chair.

The Pile of Shame is back on my radar. I am filled with utter dread. The part of it that is under my desk needs to be dealt with kind of immediately, because Grace keeps pulling old bits of mail and other junk out to chew on. Which is not good. Then there is a stack of I-don’t-know-what in the hallway that has to go because someone is going to knock into it on a midnight trip to the bathroom and break something. And there is the big pile, which is on top of the filing cabinet in the bedroom. I know the filing cabinet is out of date (about, I don’t know, maybe eight years out of date?), so I have to go through that before I can sort any of the other stuff effectively. It’s a lot of work, but probably surmountable.

But.

My list of current stuff keeps growing. I have so many projects. SO MANY. I have cooking and cleaning and laundry and childcare and games. I have photographs to edit and my column to write and omg the floor needs to be vacuumed again and I don’t remember the last time anyone cleaned the bathroom. I have sewing projects to tackle and baby clothes to knit. I have a third of a cardigan knitted and it is my dream cardigan and I’d like to finish knitting it some time this year. I need to start Christmas prep. I have knitting classes to plan (well, first to propose, but there’s a good chance I will be able to work out a class schedule this fall).

I am not doing right by my family. Grace is mobile and starting to babble and grabbing everything in sight (half of which goes into her mouth). Sam just wants to play, and he craves interaction with other kids and I am failing him. Will needs a creative sounding board and he is turning to his friends and while that is perfectly okay it is not okay at all because it should be me. And my sister, I don’t even know what she needs because I am all tapped out.

I have no time to write and I have stalled on losing any of this excess weight.

Something’s got to give. I suspect many, many things have got to give. I only get things done when I abandon hope of doing anything else. I don’t think I can do that without being miserable and making everyone else miserable.

But.

I am only one person and I need a nap.

OMG. (The feller on the left was doing a John Wayne voice. I thought it was pretty good but Will was unimpressed and thought he looked more like Hoss from Bonanza. Roy, though–I wouldn’t be surprised to learn he’s an actual descendant. It was really something.)

Taken (by my sister) at The Autry for National Day of the Cowboy & Cowgirl, which is today.

Swistle linked to this blog earlier and it is so cute! Pictures of her newborn’s dreams, as she imagines them, complete with sweet little sets and props. <3

Sometimes Sam indicates the affirmative with a short, barking laugh. Yeah, I don’t know either, but it’s really adorable.

The problem? It’s really hard to tell sometimes if he is saying yes or ignoring my question and laughing maniacally.

It really could be either.

I was inspired, and I had some Alexander Henry fabric my mom gave me, as well as an empty bag from a box of Joe’s O’s. I rounded up some ribbons from various presents and made a sandwich–two pieces of fabric, right sides facing, with ribbons tags tucked between, and the bag, cut into a single sheet, on one side. I stuffed the whole thing through my sewing machine, turned it right-side-out (with fingers crossed that I’d put everything in the right order), and top stitched. It took almost no time and the kids LOVE it.

I tried to get a picture of Gracie with it but just got blur, so here is a photo of her playing with a ball last week:

Or rather, a photo of her seconds after abandoning the ball in hopes of eating Mama and/or the camera.

My daughter, who is the good sleeper in the family, has had some trouble napping lately. The problem? She can’t fall/stay asleep if she can see Sam, or can hear him, or is even marginally aware of his existence in the universe.

I now spend approximately 60% of my waking hours trying to help Grace nap.

Help help help.

(Or something like that.)

Inspired by you guys, I’ve started a series of posts on Cooking Basics over at my savings.com column, The Prudent Pantry.

Every week–or some other random frequency–I will write about some kitchen basic. I’ve listed a bunch of them, and I’m taking suggestions over there as well. Chime in, won’t you?

And if you’re local and want me to come over and show you how to cook, I can do that too. But since writing about it requires way less planning, I’m doing that first.

My friend Yojo recently wrote this:

I’ve got four documents open in Scrivener. Each is less than a month old, and not one of them is more than 700 words long. One is just an outline, and if you look closely you’ll find it’s actually a recipe for baba ganoush with some plot-related notes surrounding it.

I don’t actually know what Scrivener is, but I have a teensy bit of experience with that scattered, non-finished sort of writing. JUST A TEENSY BIT. And I don’t even have a baba ganoush recipe.

Last week I rode the bus to and from work at the yarn shop. It’s about a 15-20 minute ride, and I brought a book. You guys, I read a book. A whole book. I told Will this morning that going to work felt like vacation.

Look, I love being a mom. I really, really love it. But I am a little burned out.

Last summer, in a burst of pregnancy-induced creativity, I wrote about 7,000 words of a middle grade novel. It isn’t very good–in fact, it stinks–but if I sat down and finished it I could maybe try to fix it.

Since Grace’s birth, I’ve written scenes for two short stories, trying to find the necessary voice.

I’ve also managed to write two knitting patterns as well as notes on two others (seriously, they just need to be sized out and edited).

That is ALL the creative outlet I’ve found time for. I don’t read, I don’t write. I update my blog a couple times a week, if that, and I write my column (which I get paid for), and that’s it.

I swear I’m not trying to do everything. I’ll try that when the kids are bigger. I’ve even managed, thanks in part to my amazing sister’s help with the children, to enjoy every minute (or, you know, a lot of them) of Grace’s infancy. And now, as she gains some independence, I find myself longing for a little of my own. For a break from the hours I’ve spent every day lately trying to help her get to sleep (growth spurts SUCK). To read another book.

Maybe I just need somewhere to take the bus a few times a week.

(I’ve asked this question on Twitter–twice!–but it’s impossible to predict when people will be online and I need more suggestions.)

I need a yarn that is comparable to Debbie Bliss Baby Cashmerino and Rowan Cashsoft DK (which are basically identical) but from a smaller company that is designer-friendly. I don’t care if it’s hand-dyed or not, but it does have to come in pretty colors. Ideally there would also be a worsted weight equivalent. A truly indie company is not necessary, but would be just fine!

Any ideas?