These are the things I think about.

My least favorite but most oft-quoted scene in Episode II: Attack Of The Clones (the worst Star Wars movie made to date) is the scene when Anakin tells Padme how he feels. His dialog goes something like this: “I hate sand. Sand is rough and it gets in your clothes and your hair and it’s awful. I hate sand. You’re nothing like sand. You’re soft and pretty and not sand.” It is even more hilarious as delivered by poor Hayden Christensen than my paraphrasing could possibly do justice to.

One of my more unremarkable boyfriends (one in a series of unremarkable boyfriends, which should in no way lessen the remarkableness of the one I settled down with) was named Eric. (I thought about changing his name to protect… well, somebody. But I can’t change any other details or my point is lost, so it isn’t worth bothering.) Eric loved Star Wars, which I think is why I was into him in the first place. My interest in Eric wore off pretty quickly — after the re-release of Return Of The Jedi there was really nothing for us to do but make out while his creepy cat watched. He also played in a band, and I went to one of their shows. Just one, though I am pretty sure Eric and I “dated” (or whatever you want to call it) for two or three months.

His band was called Sand.

This was, of course, years before Attack of the Clones. But somehow, I feel like he knew.

Damn it, Lucas!

Today Will said something or other about the happy accident that was fan-favorite Boba Fett. I confessed that when I first watched Empire Strikes Back, I didn’t really follow that whole plot line, particularly the part where he followed the Millennium Falcon to Cloud City. (And I was 15 at the time, so either I am dumb or it is unclear.) Then Will shattered all my remaining ideals of George Lucas by questioning how the hell Boba Fett and the Empire beat Han and Leia to Bespin.

Oh crap.

He’s right of course. It makes little to no sense for Vader to have gotten there in time to “strike a deal” with Lando, nor for Fett to have been in time to do the same with Vader. Did the Millennium Falcon make the Kessel run in 12 parsecs or did it not? I ask you.

How will I sleep at night? (Oh, wait.)

The quote of the day: “Oh, great, now Return of the Jedi has to be my favorite.”

Attn: George Lucas

Dear Mr. Lucas,

Yesterday, in honor of SuperBowl LXM (or whatever it was), my husband and I watched your prequel trilogy. I have a few complaints, including how much more like a cartoon The Phantom Menace is than The Clone Wars, but I won’t trouble you with those now. I’m sure you get enough letters like that.

Instead, I have a question: Have you have seen a pregnant woman or a birth? You see, I am nearly six months pregnant. Padme carried twins. At the climax of the movie she was smaller than I am now. I concede that Natalie Portman is significantly smaller than me, but I’m talking proportionate belly size. I also concede that I have some extra fat on me, but not enough that my singleton, second trimester pregnancy could look larger than a third trimester twin pregnancy. Or was she supposed to die significantly early on in the pregnancy? You never really gave any indication. The babes seemed awfully robust and healthy, though, to have been premies. In fact, as my baby only has a very slight chance of survival on the outside, I am going to say that twins have next to none.

SO WHY WAS SHE SO TINY? There were entire scenes where it looked as though no one had even bothered to strap on her dainty little belly.

Furthermore, why must you perpetuate the idea that birth is a bad thing? Showing Padme in pain both in Anakin’s dreams and in actuality contributes to negative myths surrounding an occurrence that is natural and not necessarily so very awful. I am willing to forgive the pain in Anakin’s dreams as it is actually related to a fairly important plot development, but there is no excuse for her to scream during what is presented as an extraction of the babies. She is not in labor. They “take” the babies to save them as she has, um, heeheeeee, lost the will to live. Was there no anesthesia a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away? Do you just not understand how babies come out? Were we supposed to believe that the droids induced labor? None of these work for me.

Looking forward to your reply!

Love,
Annika

P.S. While fair representation of labor and birth is my number one personal baby-related crusade, I would also like to see some history on the Organas and their choice to adopt. Were they infertile? What are the options in the Star Wars universe? And why did Leia, an otherwise intelligent leader, believe that the nice hispanic lady was her biological mother? (Or perhaps you are way more hip than I ever dreamed, and you know that “real mother” means whatever it means, and has nothing to do with who gave birth to you.)